Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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