I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
