I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
