i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
