My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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