I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
