i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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