you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
