Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
