Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You made out with two different species that night
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
