Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize