we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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