I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
