i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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