Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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