Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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