Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
