just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
