My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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