What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Randomize
