Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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