Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
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