so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize