for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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