don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
