the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
