Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
