Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
