oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
you inspire me to be a worse person
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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