I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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