There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
