I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
