just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm both gender and math confused
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize