I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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