I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
