So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
