I wish I could punch you in the face.
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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