dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
