3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
