Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Pants are for mortals
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
