I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
