You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
