So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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