i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize