I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
3pm strippers are depressing
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
We're too hungover to prance.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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