K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
