yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
