false alarm. still invincible.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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