So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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