Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
