I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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