I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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