Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
If I die, sorry about rent.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
