Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
