I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
well you can't waste a boner
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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