Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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