Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
