How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
