apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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