Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
