you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
