Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
