smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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