he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
